A Delicate Matter

Sometimes an urge for privacy can lead to an uncomfortable end

By Hal Higdon

It happened one morning. I went for a run along Lake Shore Drive near my home in Long Beach, Indiana. A regular route. Five miles. Nice view of Lake Michigan. Little traffic. A few hills that take me out of my static pace, always a training advantage. I know the mile points, which allows me to monitor pace. A course run regularly. Takes me an hour.

And suddenly I felt the urge for--ummmm--more privacy.

I was caught in No-man's-land, or perhaps more accurately: No-Toilet-Land. Too far along to head back home; no open relief stations in sight. With all the new construction and remodeling occurring in my home town, shouldn't there be a portable toilet somewhere in the next mile?

It was early morning. Not that many prying eyes. I descended a set of stairs to the beach where I would be out of sight and grabbed some grass and leaves.

The ecstasy and the agony

Several days passed before the itching began. How can I describe the ecstasy and the agony? You don't want me to describe it to you, right? Also, how do you ask your wife to apply some lotion to make the itching stop? I tried an Anti-Itch lotion called Respite. I tried an ointment recommended by the pharmacist called Cortizone-10. Both helped somewhat, but somewhat doesn't cut it when you're jumping out of your chair.

AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!

I tried ibuprofen, rationalizing that an anti-inflammatory might quell the flames. Some help. I alternated lotion and ointment, but even applying them caused irritation. Showers and soap in the right place helped, but can you take ten showers a day?

Then I thought of ice, the magic potion we are taught to use to quell our running pains. If ice cures plantar fascitis, shouldn't it help with poison ivy planted somewhere else? I placed three ice cubes in a plastic bag normally used for sandwiches.

AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Relief was only an icy rub away. The itching stopped--at least for a while. But how do you explain to a doctor how you suffered frostbite? And do you put your ice bag back in the freezer when you're not using it? I learned that if ice is applied too soon after the lotions and ointments, they all come off on the plastic bag, and it looks pretty disgusting. You don't want to hear more, do you? So why are you still reading?

Side effect

I discovered a side effect from the ice application. It seems to serve as an enema. Have I discovered something that other runners could use in their pre-race preparation, so they wouldn't need to waste time standing in portable toilet lines? Could this product be patented? How about a name: Charmin' Ice? Would it have any appeal to female customers? How would you advertise such a product in the pages of Cosmo? You're not going to get a supermodel to pose for that ad!

Soon, the itching spread to other body parts: behind, back, shoulders. At least I could get my wife to apply lotion to parts I couldn't reach. Chest. Arms. Legs. The malady was like a fire raging through a dry forest.

Eventually fires burn out. As it shifted body parts, the itching began to diminish. No more lotions and ointments. No more icky bags in the freezer. I could run free. I ran 3 miles this morning, and all is peace in the world. Never will I allow myself to get caught in No-Toilet-Land again.

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